I haven’t been a very good blogger lately for a number of reasons which I suppose I can, hopefully, be forgiven for. Firstly at 33 weeks pregnant… or is it 34? I’ve lost count!.. I’m exhausted and am finding it very difficult to stay up past 10pm most nights. Hell, 10pm! I’m doing quite well there. Secondly, I’m tired of complaining, so I imagine you’re tired of listening to me complain. Considering all I could think to write about was once again my hatred of pregnancy, I’ve refrained from writing a blog post until now. Thirdly, I was on doctors orders to relax more and give the blog a back seat, so blogging once a week has pretty much been my limit. I had intended on taking a break from writing completely this week and leave you all wondering where I was until B sent me an email that triggered a ton of emotions.
Since we’ve known each other, B and I email each other every single day while we’re in work, a lot, like a lot, a lot. I’d be lost without having some sort of communication with him during the day. I like to think that we make the days shorter for each other, knowing that we’re just a click away. Amazingly, we still have things to talk about when we get home, or embellish on our quick emails from the day.
During one of our chats this week, I mentioned to B how I’m filled with mixed emotions about becoming a Stay-At-Home-Mum for a year while on maternity leave (which starts in three weeks! Yikes). One of those feelings is nervousness at losing some sort of connection with B. As though we’ll lose having something in common since we both work outside the home at the moment. As though, by me becoming a SAHM he may not see me in the same light as before. Stupid I know, but like I say, the thoughts of becoming a SAHM have sent mixed and mingling emotions my way. Nerves, excited, anticipation, fear.
So B will be the working 9-5 man of the house, while I stereotyped myself (I know – anti-feminist idjit) as a Stay-At-Home-Mum. I started to wonder if my change in familial role would have an impact, a negative one, on how he sees me. On our relationship. On his attitude to “what I do all day”. I used the word just. Yes, I said, “and I would just be a Stay-At-Home-Mum”. Red alert!! This Mum needs an ass whooping!! It’s ok, I have whooped my own ass lots since I had these thoughts but none more so than B.
Well, he gave me an earful and a lesson all in pretty much one sentence. He said:
First off there is no such thing as JUST a stay at home mom!
There is a mother and someone to cherish the kids and who will look after a home and raise the kids the way we want.
He said a lot more and we talked about it when we got home. He, of course, because he’s awesome, could understand where I was coming from and recognised my fears but he has an incredible amount of respect for Stay-At-Home-Parents. In fact, he says, he’s jealous because he would give anything to be at home with the kids. I’m lucky, I know because I have this opportunity.
But mostly what made me buck me was that I realise now that my husband sees me in a way that I don’t see myself. He sees the bigger and better version of me and I really should look in that mirror and see that person too.
I have to admit that my confidence level, which was never fully hitting 100% anyway, has dwindled considerable during this pregnancy. I’ve felt more distant with B as I sit in self pity, I feel … bleugh… it’s pretty much the only way I can describe it! But I’m not here to complain today. What I’ve realised by B’s simple statement in a quick email during work, is that I’m more than what I think I am. I need to push out of any stereotypes I’ve placed myself in and cherish this year that I will have off with our two (dear God, two!), kids! It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity for me and if B believes I can do it, if B trusts me to do it, then I should have faith and confidence in my ability to enjoy it and revel in it.
I’ve been nervous about how my husband will perceive me, as though he has a 1950’s attitude, which he clearly doesn’t. But it’s new territory for both us and while I genuinely can’t wait, I’m nervous because I have no idea what it will be like.
But B’s one sentence has made me realise that I’ve been looking at this all wrong. There will be no distance between us because we’re good communicators, it’s what our marriage is built on. There will be no tension between us, because he sees the value in me in being a SAHM. There is major respect on both sides, as I love, respect and cherish him for being a full time working dad who comes home and plays with the kids despite being exhausted from a long day and a long commute. And he loves, respects and cherishes me for wanting to take this year off work and be our kids.
I’m writing this when I’m fairly tired and my thoughts are probably not as succinct as I’d like them to be. But that’s my simple thought for today, courtesy of B… there is no such thing as a just a Stay-at-home-mum.
And of course he added at the end “Also nothing hotter than a stay at home mom!!!” so that kinda helps hah! Funny man 🙂