I’ve been blogging somewhat sporadically the last few weeks. Gone is my focus, my routine and my schedule. It’s less to do with the fact that we have a five week old baby and more to do with that fact that a little over two weeks ago I accepted the fact that I was suffering from either anxiety or Postnatal Depression. D was only two weeks old and it had hit me hard. In the beginning I questioned whether it was the baby blues as the pregnancy hormones began to leave my body and sent me into a spiral. But now that I am five weeks postpartum and I’m still experiencing the painful pang of what feels like depression mixed with anxiety and confusion, I realise that I need help. I was nervous about publishing this post because it’s incredibly personal, probably the most personal I’ve written on the blog as it leaves me somewhat vulnerable, but if even one person relates to this post and realises that they too are suffering which then leads them to get help, then this post has been worth publishing.
Today is our 11th Wedding Anniversary. This day eleven years ago, I married my best friend and the only man I have ever been in love with. I know for a fact, that I will always love him more than I love our children. Some may find this remark scathing, unloving and possibly cruel to say. But think about it – can you honestly say that you love your children the same or more than your partner? I’ve always known that my love for B is stronger, closer and more powerful than my love as a mother to our children. And I’m not ashamed or shy to admit it.
I missed it, after an entire year of trawling through emotions, stories and ideas about parenting, I missed my One Year Blog Anniversary. I had a pretty good reason though – our newly born baby has been nestled in my arms for the past week and I’ve been revelling in baby cuddles as much as I can with a three year old running around me also looking for attention. Needless to say, I’ve been a little preoccupied and the blog has taken a major backseat. But I can’t let this week go out without recognising what I think is a major achievement in my writing career. Over Heaven’s Hill has been on the go for an entire year. I posted my very first post about “Becoming Momma Bear” on the 30th May, 2016. I’ve been a blogger for a whole year now. It’s zipped past so damn quick and been a bit of a rollercoaster as I’ve shared my experiences with you all. I’ve loved every minute and I can’t see Over Heaven’s Hill stopping any time soon.
Today marks a very unusual day for our family. A bitter sweet day at the end of an era. Today, is my last working day and technically the start of my year long maternity leave. The start of my year as a Stay-At-Home-Mum. As well as being the beginning of a journey I’m looking forward to and equally terrified of, it’s the end of a time in our lives that admittedly seemed never ending. Three years ago, plus one month, I went back to work after a very, very short maternity leave. I took the standard six months which in reality meant A was a tiny five months old when I wandered back into my office in April 2014. That beautiful, small baby was handed over every day B and I went to work to an incredible woman, B’s Aunty P.
Since A was three months old, we’ve read to her. We’ve always been a family of book lovers and when we moved house in 2015, we had more books in boxes than kitchen supplies. A is no different and she hasbooks to choose from every night to read before bed. And every single night, we read at least five books without fail. It’s a tradition I never see us stopping, even when Little Bean comes along who I’m sure will get in on the act quick enough. In fact, she already has a little library of books started of her own. Personally, I believe that reading books from a young age is so important for so many reasons.
This week on In Conversation With, we are joined by the beautiful Louise who writes a parenting blog at Mummy Miller. Louise is currently on maternity leave and works as a nurse in the NHS. I have absolute admiration for nurses and midwves. Working in a maternity hospital myself, I see how dedicated and hard working they all are. I absolutely love that Louise married her childhood sweetheart. Herself and her now husband met when they were 15 and married after eight years together. I was 17 when I met B and love that I have lived almost half of my life with him already. Remember to check out Louise’s blog and to follow her on twitter and facebook.
The Phd Mama joins us on In Conversation With this week. I have been following the wonderful Suchitra for a while now and love her blog. She is mum to two beautiful kids, an infant and a toddler. Suchitra writes about her adventures in parenting and living a multiracial life with her family. She is a a former Communications Studies Professor who is now a stay at home mum, reluctantly! Remember to check out her blog and to say hi to her on social media. Bloggers will want to know that Suchitra now runs a Linky called #BloggerBeatz. The linky runs from the 25th to the 27th of the month, so be sure to check it out!
This week on In Conversation With, Heather joins us. Heather writes an aptly named blog Very Anxious Mommy. I think it’s safe to say that we all go through moments of anxiety as we try to figure out how to be the best parent we can be and also cope with the usual disasters life can throw at us. Heather, is mum to two beautiful children, an advocate for breastfeeding and a stay at home mum. She is also open and honest in her blog about battling anxiety and depression and is genuinely an inspiration to all of us. Remember to check out her blog and to follow her on social media.
I’ve only recently noticed how much of a wuss I’ve become but I’ll be honest, I can actually trace my new fondness of wussiness back to that ever changing moment in my life. Yes, that moment. The moment a human being sprouted from my body and I became Momma Bear. I know this blog has its roots in becoming the new me through parenting but sheesh I didn’t think losing my nerve was one of those ‘new me’s.
I’m not normally one to complain and I don’t believe I’m privileged or expect anything from anyone, least of all their seat. However, I’ve never been on the other side of the whole seat debate on public transport before and I have to admit, as a pregnant women, I was quite surprised and ultimately disappointed in the reaction and lack of action on the part of my fellow commuters last Tuesday.