When I became pregnant, I decided I didn’t want to put updates on the blog at 12, 16, 20 weeks and so on. I imagine no one is particularly interested in reading how I’m getting on with this pregnancy on a weekly, fortnightly or even monthly basis. And if you are interested, you can hop over to my post Why I Hate Being Pregnant to see how awesome it is in all its utter nauseating glory. Why I Hate Being Pregnant pretty much sums it all up! Besides that, our pregnancy announcement became a little obscured with the issues I had in November, so I’ve been tentative about writing too much about my pregnancy. We’re now halfway there, at 20 weeks, and had the Big Scan last Tuesday. It’s an important and exciting day in any pregnancy because we get to see our baby as close up as possible and in detail for the first time. I’ve had five scans in total this pregnancy since they were keeping a close eye on us, but the Big Scan really allows you to say hello to your impending arrival. And, yep, we found out the sex!
Often there is an unrealistic expectation of pregnancy. An attitude that we should be grateful and happy and enjoy the wonderous miracle of life. Well, I am grateful, beyond happy but unbelievably miserable. I was first pregnant with A in 2013 and hated near enough every minute of it. Now, pregnant again, the experience is once again less enjoyable than having a tooth pulled. I don’t suffer too badly in comparison to others but the limitations pregnancy puts on you drives me round the bend. I do get pretty rotten morning sickness and the usual aches and pains. The fact that my consultant said to me last month, and I quote, “My dear, you are not suited to pregnancy,” pretty much says it all. I hate being pregnant and find very little in the nine months, bar the joy of a new impending arrival, to make me excited about it. I know for a fact that this will be my last pregnancy and I’m so thankful. I would find it very difficult to go through this again. Pregnancy is not easy. There are women who take to it like ducks to the inevitable water. The mother earths of our world. I am, by no means, a mother earth. My body does not take happily to the state of pregnancy. It bites down on the hardest part of this natural state of motherhood and makes for a miserable nine months.
It’s common to have mood swings in pregnancy. Our hormones are, not so literally, sprawled across the floor in a tangled mess that even the most expert of puzzle makers could unravel. We are the Christmas tree lights thrown into the bottom of the box when we said, “we’ll deal with that next year.” So far, fourteen weeks into this pregnancy, I’ve had very valid and legitimate reasons to cry. I’ve cried through the fear and the panic of thinking we were losing this baby. I’ve cried over the worry and anxiety of literally believing I had to try to hold this baby in. I know, a ridiculous thought, but that’s what it felt like. And yet, it seems, the last few weeks that I am able to open the flood gates for well… anything. And a second later, I want to sing from the rooftops my joy and excitement. A euphoria that inevitably comes crashing down. The ups and downs of pregnancy emotions can be difficult to deal with. Especially when those around you don’t understand or appreciate how much of a rollercoaster pregnancy is.
For those who missed last weeks post, I suffered a first trimester bleed at 10 weeks pregnant at the beginning of November. When the bleeding stopped, I thought that we were in the safe zone. The thoughts of miscarriage and pregnancy loss disappeared as the days went on. Those feelings of security can be dimished quickly when you let your head wander and you forget to keep strong. I have had slight bleeding on and off for the past two weeks and I’ll admit every trip to the bathroom makes me nervous. I’m feeling more and more worried as the days go on despite hearing so many success stories of beautiful babies being born after such events. Dealing with the aftermath of a first trimester bleed has not been easy. I’ve had good days and very bad days. Days when I see the light at the end of the tunnel and days when I can’t help but think the worst.
You may have noticed that I have been very quiet the past week. My ordinary four to five posts per week have disappeared and I have been relatively quiet on social media. My break from Over Heaven’s Hill was unintentional. I diligently downed tools on almost everything including my full time job as I was signed out from work. This week has been one I have never experienced before and one I hope never to experience again. Conflicting emotions of hope and despair have filtered through since last Wednesday and I have questioned and agonised over the “what if’s” and “should have’s”. This was meant to be a much different post, which I had already written in anticipation, but was no longer suitable. A happier and more hopeful post with an announcement most people are excited to make. For us, our happy announcement has been shadowed by fear and anxiety because we weren’t too sure we could make it. Thankfully, after today, we can say that yes, it is a happy announcement.
We’re expecting our second baby! Read more