I did it! One whole week without an anxiety attack. There was plenty of opportunity to feel the rush of panic with stress sitting in the corner laughing at me, needlessly taunting me. But no, this week I am Rocking Motherhood. Next week I’ll keep rocking.
Since sharing my potholed filled road of anxiety with you, affectionately known as my Frickin Flamingo, I have had so many people come to me on Facebook, Twitter and through the blog saying they have felt the same way. They’ve share their stories with me and shown me that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Well, I think I can finally see that light and every day it’s feeling as if I’m closer to getting out of this dark and dreary tunnel.
Five weeks ago I started to see a counsellor and boy has that been an interesting experience. Some sessions have been good and others have knocked me for six as emotions and thoughts I haven’t dealt with jumped on my back and tried to claw through to my spine in an effort to whip it out of my back. Counselling isn’t for everyone and I’ll admit I wasn’t too sure if it was for me but when B told me he noticed a difference in me the last few weeks I realised it was because I have started to focus and structure my days in a way that keeps the Frickin Flamingo off my back.
This week has been my best week since Little Bean was born. It was a hectic week but I was in control. Every moment of every day this week I have been in control. Three months ago, I struggled to balance two kids, I could barely make a phonecall, I procrastinated out of fear and I suffered anxiety attack after attack after attack.
One of the things my counsellor encouraged me to do was to make a list of everything I need to achieve in a day and tick off everything that I have done. Well holy hot potatoes batman, I did everything and more. Listing everything made me realise just how much I am capable of and just how much I actually manage to do in a day. Honest to god, being a stay at home mom is not a picnic but damn it’s a good lunch on the run. I managed so much more and I’d love to be able to tell you just exactly how I found this new technique to take life a moment at a time but I don’t really know how. I imagine my counsellor is subconsciously popping ideas into my head and hypnotising me because the calm and control I have felt this week was new and positive.
Heck, I even painted skirting boards, hung up pictures and wrote an article for The Independent with less than three hours notice. All on separate days but even fitting one of those things into a tightly packed day with two kids feels like a miracle to me. And I’ve saved the best for last! B and I dashed out of the house on Friday night leaving the kids snoozing in their beds with their Nana watching them. We had a night out and talked about more stuff than the kids and my Frickin Flamingo. It was almost normal, almost real, it was almost like I made it back to being me again.
I recently read a post on how you knowntoure coming outbid the dark side of postnatal depression. A brilliant blog by Kate from Kate On Thin Ice on Getting Over Postnatal Depression summed up everything up for me in on sentence
Even in tiny ways you will start to feel like a somebody rather than a nobody. It is so easy to lose sight of yourself as a mum.
Well hello all, I’m feeling like someone! And I’m beginning to like her again!