Six weeks in to having two children and the pressure of being officially outnumbered has caught up. In one way, being pulled from either side by a toddler who has become increasingly clingy and won’t leave me out of her sight, and a newborn who will cry incessantly until her needs are met, has meant my body and brain has struggled to keep up.
Having one child is hard, as you get used to the idea of being a parent and learn a new routine and way of doing things. Having two children brings it’s own set of challenges which are totally different to the first time round. Things seem more out of control, more haphazard without any real structure or answers. But then again that could just be my current mindframe.
I’m finding the entire baby side of things a complete doddle this time. From changing nappies, making bottles, soothing a tired baby and I don’t even dread the night feed’s. Perhaps it’s because I know it will end one day and before I know it, I will have given my last bottle. D is a relatively easy baby, and at six weeks old she tends to sleep, feed and poop. And yes she cries, which is a soundtrack to our day which I don’t need but I can’t look after the toddler without letting the baby cry.
What I’m finding difficult is trying to balance that whole baby routine with an out of sorts, sometimes bored, sometimes excitable three year old. I’m lucky that A is very happy with her baby sister and is in no way jealous or put out by a sleeping or crying baby. But she is glued to me and as much as we have tried to get out of the house the last few weeks, there are days that have been very tedious. For both of us.
I do feel completely outnumbered and know that feeling has contributed to the state of my mental health. But I also know that it won’t be like this forever. I know we will blend into a routine for the three of us during the day, and the four of us when B gets home from work. I look forward and I try my best to maintain a sense of positivity about our lives and our future.
Being positive is all well and good but there are times when a difficult day makes you start from scratch with that good outlook on life. There are moments when falling apart is easier than coping.
Thankfully, these moments are becoming less and less as I take control of that feeling of being outnumbered.
I saw my doctor yesterday. I was disappointed with her advice and her reaction. The answer was medication, there is no other way. Probably because writing a prescription is easier and quicker than delving into the mind and righting it with words and support. I do not want to go on medication. There us nothing wrong with meds, it’s my personal choice to try and get through this another way. And I am. I am feeling different, better, more in control. I’ve altered things in my life. Mostly mu outlook on life, but I’ve reconnected with friends and family in a way that helps the positivity deep within my mind. I’m laughing more. And I’m happy. Underneath all of this anxiety and difficulty I can safely and wholeheartedly say that I am happy. And that is why I know I will do this without medication.
It’s not easy but it’s possible and I know I’ll have days that are hard, when I don’t want to get out of bed, when thinking about what’s for breakfast is harder than learning Japanese. But I’ll get up, I’ll put the kettle on, and
I’ll refocus my mind.
I will not guilt myself
I will not explain myself
I will get better
I will keep smiling real smiles
I will be and am the best Momma Bear I can be