For those who missed last weeks post, I suffered a first trimester bleed at 10 weeks pregnant at the beginning of November. When the bleeding stopped, I thought that we were in the safe zone. The thoughts of miscarriage and pregnancy loss disappeared as the days went on. Those feelings of security can be dimished quickly when you let your head wander and you forget to keep strong. I have had slight bleeding on and off for the past two weeks and I’ll admit every trip to the bathroom makes me nervous. I’m feeling more and more worried as the days go on despite hearing so many success stories of beautiful babies being born after such events. Dealing with the aftermath of a first trimester bleed has not been easy. I’ve had good days and very bad days. Days when I see the light at the end of the tunnel and days when I can’t help but think the worst.
My first week on bed rest, after the large bleed, was spent in a nauseated state from morning sickness, which in a way gave me a distraction. Now, that the morning sickness seems to have settled and I have more good days than bad, I am less distracted and more aware of what actually happened.
A Subchorionic Haematoma does not necessarily mean that pregnancy will be lost but it is a worry. I have seen the doctors three times since the bleed, and each time they have said something similar. There’s your baby. Looking great. We’re just concerned about this area. The area in question worries me. I’m not a doctor. I have zero medical background but I will always worry. With every twinge I feel, every sharp stab, which my rational brain tells me are my ligaments stretching with the pregnancy, worries me. And of course, whenever I see spotting.
Because I have access to so many medical resources due to my job, I have inundated myself with information – completely unhelpful information, because no matter what I read I will worry. Not much has given me reason to relax and enjoy this pregnancy which I will admit I think will be my last. I wanted to enjoy the feelings and look forward to our plans but I’m finding it difficult to look into the future which lives from doctors appointment to doctors appointment. (Also doesn’t help that Mondays appointment has been postponed and I’m desperately attempting to rearrange it.)
I am still on “bed rest” but that’s not always the easiest. With a toddler and a home, and a stubborn personality, I have probably not rested as much as I should have. If this was my first pregnancy, I would have my feet up on the sofa watching re-runs of The West Wing. But it’s not as easy as that any more because I have a child to love and care for, and a mind thats racing with questions and worries.
I suspect that until the baby is hopefully nestled wonderfully in my arms, that I will worry. So here is to approximately another six and a half months of worry.
I like to think that I’m a strong woman, with my obvious faults and downfalls which I’ve written about before. But when it comes to my family and our daughter, I like to think that I can overcome and power through any obstacle that comes our way. The past few weeks have been more than trying, and difficult. And I often don’t think I am dealing very well with it at all.
Thank you so much to everyone who has commented, tweeted, messaged and texted me with their love, their thoughts and their experiences. It’s helpful to know so many of you have suffered first trimester bleeding and have a happy ten year old buzzing about that place. I’m praying and longing to be in that position and trying my best stay positive.