First of all, have you had a baby recently? How are you doing? You? Not your baby, you, Momma Bear. I want to ask about you because I want you to know that you have not been forgotten. In fact, a beautiful woman who would often comment on my Facebook posts, Kathryn, had a baby around the same time as me and I often think about her and wonder how she is doing. You see, when A was born, the reason I missed being pregnant was because, in such a short space of time, everyone stopped asking how I was and focused on the baby. I felt, in a way, left behind as I tried to catch up to this world who graciously accepted and loved my baby into their arms. But it’s normal. Your bump is gone, the pain is no longer written on your face. But it’s still there, nestled in amongst the scars and quiet sighs. But still, we’re somewhat forgotten once the baby starts to hit their milestones and your pregnancy becomes a distant memory.
Lately, my anxiety levels have lessened. Since accepting that I’m suffering from either postnatal depression or anxiety or both since the birth of D – or if I’m honest a little before that – I’ve uncovered a few coping mechanisms that have truly helped. One being, baby wearing. I have recently been using an AmaWrap baby sling and I didn’t realise, but baby wearing has been pivotal in helping me cope with anxiety. Let me tell you how.
I’ve been blogging somewhat sporadically the last few weeks. Gone is my focus, my routine and my schedule. It’s less to do with the fact that we have a five week old baby and more to do with that fact that a little over two weeks ago I accepted the fact that I was suffering from either anxiety or Postnatal Depression. D was only two weeks old and it had hit me hard. In the beginning I questioned whether it was the baby blues as the pregnancy hormones began to leave my body and sent me into a spiral. But now that I am five weeks postpartum and I’m still experiencing the painful pang of what feels like depression mixed with anxiety and confusion, I realise that I need help. I was nervous about publishing this post because it’s incredibly personal, probably the most personal I’ve written on the blog as it leaves me somewhat vulnerable, but if even one person relates to this post and realises that they too are suffering which then leads them to get help, then this post has been worth publishing.
You may remember that during my pregnancy, I struggled with pains, hormones and fears. For the second time in my life, I was hating the experience and willing it to be over. Throughout the nine months, I failed to bond with the bump. I rarely thought about what Little Bean would be like and how well she would fit into our small family. I couldn’t or rather didn’t imagine what she would look like, smell like, feel like. I didn’t have the time to focus on the fact that I was growing a human being. I had a three year old running around me and she kept me well occupied. Things changed in the first hour that Little Bean was born.
Finally, I can almost say that I’m ready to bring Little Bean into the world. I have finished up some DIY that needed doing in the house, thanks to my awesome Dad. Ok, so the DIY didn’t necessarily need doing, but my head and shoulders are a lot more relaxed knowing they are done. I have my hospital bag packed!! I did it, finally, with just two weeks to go. For some reason I kept putting this one off, probably because the reality of the looming and large bump only hit last week. I have Little Bean’s clothes all washed, iron and sorted in little Ikea drawer sorter thingys and I feel so accomplished knowing where all the nappies, wipes and scented bags are. I have five sets of clothes ready for A, for when I’m in the hospital so B doesn’t have to stress about what to throw on the cute three-year old. I have action plans in place if I go into labour, and plans are in motion if all goes to schedule and I get to walk into hospital for the elective C-section. You may have gathered that I’m a planner, an organiser, I like and need to keep control of my personal situations and that of my family. The same goes for the weeks after me and Little Bean get home. For myself, for B and A and of course our new Little Bean, to settle into our new lives together I have rules and plans. Read more
You may have noticed that I have been a little quiet on the blog front. I decided to take a week or so off from writing as I caught up on, well everything. I’ll admit at 30 weeks I’ve been pushing myself too hard and have felt exhausted to the point of willing myself into a coma. Not to repeat myself, but I’m not made for pregnancy and find that I’m really struggling this time round. On the flip side, its gone a lot quicker than last time and the final countdown has crept up on us. But because we’ve only single digit weeks to wait until Little Bean arrives, I can’t help but feel anxious over the fact that I haven’t bonded with bump and that I have nothing ready for her. Oh how different pregnancy number two really is.